All Aboard the Struggle Bus

by hellomynameisyours

“Wait for the faintest tremor of fear and stop all work, everything, and rest before God until you are strong again.”
Twenty Four Hours a Day (Hazelden Meditations)

Woof.

Today has been a tough day. Like. Really, really tough.

I don’t know if the distracted worrying I’ve been experiencing all day is because in exactly 1 week and 4 hours from now, my fiancé will be landing at the local airport…or if it’s because my job has begun to slow down enough for me to periodically sit and process everything, just long enough to start marinating in anxiety.

And in my Fear.

Dangit. There’s that Fear again.

Today has been a bad day, because I’ve gotten up in my own head. I’m going to be very honest—it took me until I started writing this blog to ask God to help me, to calm me. That’s totally on me for not putting Him in the driver’s seat, earlier. I’m still being stubborn; I’m still stuck in the habit of doing things “on my own”.

I think I am experiencing a delayed, consuming response to the heavy emotional episodes my fiancé went through on Friday and Saturday. I think I’m feeling some deferred sentiments in regards to being a witness to his sobbing, his expression of self-hate, his overwhelming shame. It really hurts to see someone you care about feel that amount of emotional pain. The space between my shoulder blades and neck is killing me, and I think it’s because I’ve been cramming my shoulders up to my ears all day. Very, very tense, very, very anxious.

How do you deal with these moments?
What’s worked for you? What hasn’t?

I’m finding it harder to step away while I’m at work and just…relax…for a moment. I’m hoping this gets easier with time, letting go of the worrying and anxiety and Fear surrounding my fiancé’s sobriety.

I purchased Twenty Four Hours a Day  (a Hazelden publication) this afternoon; it will be delivered by Thursday according to Amazon. I’ll let y’all know my thoughts on the book. I’ve found visiting Hazelden’s website and reading through their Thought for the Day seems to alleviate some stress and gets me back in the right mindset. My fiancé’s residential therapist suggested I browse through it when I need something to read, to ground me. Maybe you should give it a try, as well.

Until tomorrow ❤

 

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