Letting Go of Fear
1. False Evidence Appearing Real
The hardest thing I’m struggling with right now, by far, is Fear.
There’s this tight little ball living beneath the innermost bottom edge of my right set of ribs. Every time I let my mind drift to my fiancé stepping out of rehab in 10 days, that little ball makes a dash to my throat, giving my heart a squeeze on its way. My mind becomes flooded with questions, panicking:
- What if he relapses? What if he relapses within days of coming home?
- How will I know if he’s relapsed? Clearly, I can’t tell a sober man from a high or drunk one.
- What if he lies to me again?
- What if I have to leave him?
- Will I leave him if I have to?
- What if the first month, two months, six months of his homecoming are pink cloud happy and blissful…and then everything slowly transitions back to “normal”?
- What the heck is normal?! My normal is crazy. Will I adjust to my new normal of having an honest relationship?
- What if I stop going to Al-Anon meetings? What if I get complacent?
- What if he stops going to AA meetings? What if he gets complacent?
- What if–
I literally just worked myself up into a mental panic just now, and I’m laughing to myself. Even writing about the anxieties I’m having, triggers the Fear once again.
Fear is my disease.
Are you feeling afraid? Do you have Fear, yourself?
Please. Do something with me.
Close your eyes and just….stop. Clear your mind. Focus on a single sensation…maybe the sound of your dryer methodically whirring. Maybe the sound of a coworker typing on a keyboard. Maybe you’re focusing on your heartbeat, how it feels in your chest. Perhaps you’re choosing to focus on the slackness of your jaw, your cheeks lazily relaxed as you unclench all those tight muscles that you keep so fearfully and angrily clenched during the day.
Maybe you’re just focusing on your breathing. The rise and fall of your chest, the movement of cool air in…and damp, warm air out…of your nose.
Do you feel it?
Do you feel the calmness coming over you?
Now think, or say, or feel…God: please remove my Fear. Please give me peace. Please help me to let go of control; please help me to let go of my Fear of letting go.
There is no magic pill to letting go of Fear. But it can be done.
I’m definitely an amateur at it. Shoot, I’ve been practicing my letting-go-of-Fear-ness for…three days?
How far have I come?
About this | | far.
But that’s further than I ever got four days ago.