My fiancé has now been in rehab for 41 days.
41 days. It seems like a blip on the radar.
(Which just goes to show how precious time truly is.)
When I dropped my fiancé off at the airport so that he could fly literally across the country to go to rehab…I asked myself, outloud: “What am I going to do?”
My life had, somehow, without me realizing it, become completely centered on my fiancé and his addiction. Even though I was completely unaware of my fiancé’s drinking and drug abuse until it all came crashing down…my life had still managed to revolve around his addiction. I stopped allowing myself to have my own life. My fiancé’s codependency really did demand 100% of my time and attention, and I didn’t even recognize it for what it was. Before he went to rehab, I would dedicate all of my time spent not at my desk, to my fiancé. I’m talking…I quit working out, I quit having “alone” time with books or Netflix, I quit hanging out with friends, I quit taking my dog on walks by myself…I was afraid to leave my guy alone, because (and this is stupid, in hindsight) I was afraid if I left him alone he would get lonely, which would lead him to start drinking again, or using, or whatever.
Obviously, my fiancé was way ahead of me and was managing to satisfy his craving even with my constant supervision, so that’s awesome.
I lost a big part of myself.
And I didn’t realize it until my fiancé was very suddenly, temporarily removed from my life. Having 45 days to yourself, when you’re used to not having even a second for yourself, may seem overwhelming to some.
But my, oh my. It was liberating.
I’m realizing now all the things I’ve been missing out on whilst nervously/anxiously/psychotically forcing myself to stay awake in bed alone at night while my fiancé pulls an all-nighter for work, because I’m afraid he’s going to do something sketchy and dishonest if I close my eyes for even just a second.
I decided I would seize the opportunity to try something new while my fiancé was away, focusing on sobriety. I was going to do something for me. And hot damn, did I do Something New!
Some things I’ve done in the last 6 weeks…
- Met new girlfriends and gone out for fancy dinners, treating myself to a meal I probably wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to have before.
- Worked out religiously; I’ve dropped a dress size and I’ve toned up like no other. Hooray for looking and feeling awesome!
- Ate clean. I prepped my meals, bought myself veggies and whole grains and organic meat and cooked for myself, every day. This probably assisted with me shedding 8 pounds.
- Volunteered! I worked at a homeless teen shelter a few times. Again, not something I would have done previously.
- Attended Al-Anon meetings. I was always afraid to go before and felt that if my fiancé wasn’t attending AA, why should I waste my time going to Al-Anon? That method of thinking is clearly…wrong.
- RAN A 5k!!!! Y’all. I’m not a runner like…at all. But I told myself I was going to set a lofty goal and Praise Jesus Hallelujah, I said I was going to run a 5k, and I did it this morning. I feel amazing.
- Reconnected with old friends. Most of my friends are now spread out across the country; some are in Texas, one in Arizona, one in DC, one in Chicago…so I made it a point to reach out to these girls and reconnect. It was great.
- Went to after-work social events. I actually networked. I’m part of a very, very large company where networking can help you climb the corporate ladder faster. I attended social events at work and foof–I have a lot more connections now.
- Bought myself new clothing. I hadn’t bought myself any new clothing since…two years ago? So I took myself on a small shopping spree and bought myself things that made me feel sexy, made me feel awesome, made me feel trendy, made me feel 27 and not 18 like most of my tshirts/jeans would suggest. I actually have style now. I feel more confident, because I took time to treat myself.
- Read books. Watched Netflix. Cuddled my dog in bed. All things that are so incredible, yet I rarely did when my fiancé was around.
- Took myself for a massage, a wax, and a facial. All on separate days! Booyah.
The point being…I’m so happy right now. I’ve had a good amount of time to focus on my needs and my desires and myself. Sure, I’m anxious about my fiancé coming home on Tuesday and, yes, I’m nervous about him staying sober and not overloading himself at work, and staying healthy, and not putting too much responsibility on himself…
I know that even if that happens, even if my fiancé slips back into his old ways…it’s not my fault, and I can’t do anything to change it. Even if I sacrifice everything for him, I will have zero impact on his behavior.
So I will continue going to dinner with friends, and working out. I’ve already looked at a 5k on May 26th and sent the information to the girls. I’m going to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow morning. I have a new book lined up and ready to go.
I’m doing me, y’all.
I got this.
And now the big question:
What is your Something New?